Introductory Note: As the 114th Congress convenes in Washington, a core group of its freshly-empowered Republican leaders held a behind-the-scenes private caucus last night at a swank M Street gentleman’s club. Our reporters were able to infiltrate and tape this top secret meeting, disguised as Eisenhower-era cigarette girls. We offer the following exclusive transcription of the meeting, clearly illustrating the laser-like focus with which the GOP brain trust plans to govern through the sunset years of the Obama administration.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell: So here’s an important question for you guys to think about, to help us all get in the majority mood, now that a third of the voters have spoken and whatnot. Are you ready? Okay: how many five-year-old kids do you think you could fight at one time? You’re in an enclosed space, like the Senate squash court, say. How many do you think you could handle?
Republican Whip John Cornyn: Point of order, Senator? Would we be able to use weapons, or just bare hands? Because I might use my Senate whip or something, depending on my strength and dexterity rating that day.
Senator Rand Paul, Kentucky (2016 Presidential Hopeful): Who needs weapons when you’ve got . . . wait for it . . . you’re gonna love this . . . A BALROG! My Balrog loves gold, and he’s very tough. You shall not pass, five-year-olds! Ha!
John Cornyn: But what if the five-year-olds are poisonous? Say, what if someone covered their clothing in arsenic? My Senate whip would keep me from touching them, whereas your Balrog would eventually develop contact arsenic poisoning.
Rand Paul: Doesn’t matter. Five-year-olds are no more menacing to my Balrog than, say, kobolds.
Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner: Speaking of, does anyone know where I could pick up a kobold? The House could use a good cleaning, and we’ve got plenty of cigarette butts to keep a hard-working kobold happy.
Mitch McConnell: I haven’t been able to get any legal kobolds for the Senate since we sealed the borders. Law of unintended consequences and whatnot.
John Cornyn: Come on, gentlemen, let’s let the liberals worry about the five-year-old kids and the custodial staff, can’t we? We’re in charge now! So here’s a better question for you all. Yoda vs Nazgul: who wins?
John Boehner: Clarify, Whip: Are we talking the King of the Nazgul, or just one of the regular riders? And is he on a Horsie or a Wing’ed Beastie?
John Cornyn: The Nazgul were all Kings of Men who wore the Nine Rings. And they are all riders, with both Horsies and Wing’ed Beasties.
Mitch McConnell: Not quite right, Whip. There was one Nazgul who was boss of them all: Angmar. He’s the one Eowyn and Merry killed. And they had Horsies until they got wiped out at the Ford at Rivendell, and then they got the Wing’ed Beasties.
John Boehner: Well, if a hobbit and girl can kill a Nazgul, then they’d be no problem for Yoda, duh. Okay, how about this one: Jason Voorhees vs an Orc?
Rand Paul: Oh, that’s too easy. Jason wins, since everybody knows that Orcs are only cannon-fodder.
John Boehner: That’s true, although per the genre’s convention, before Jason kills the Orc, the Orc gets to make out with the topless hot chick. That’s the rules, men. Lucky Orc! Ha!
Mitch McConnell: Wookiee vs. Ent. Go!
John Cornyn: Another easy one. Wookiees win, because they know how to use saws and fire. Chop chop chop! Burn burn burn! And a Pupu Platter of fresh Treebeard-smoked Ewoks for all. Hooray!
Rand Paul: Captain Kirk vs Aragorn, anyone?
Mitch McConnell: I’m with James Tiberius Kirk, there, Ron, er, uh, Ayn, errr, Kruger, uh, oh, whatever your name is there, Senator. I’m always going to side with the Captain of the Enterprise, especially if he takes his shirt off.
John Boehner: Plus, Aragorn has spent his whole life pining away for Liv Tyler, whereas Kirk is a testosterone-laden superstar with a hot babe in every spaceport. I think Aragorn would curl up and die of shame when confronted with all that.
Mitch McConnell: Okay, here’s a stumper: R2D2 vs John Boehner.
John Boehner: Hey!
Mitch McConnell: R2D2, of course. Because he doesn’t get drunk and bum smokes from people, like the Speaker does. Ha!
John Boehner: Hey!!
Rand Paul: Not so quick, Mister Majority Leader. I think I’m going to have to pick Speaker Boehner in this one. Once he gets the waterworks going and dribbles tears all over that little robot, well, it’s lights out for R2D2!
Mitch McConnell: Now you’re showing why you’re always going to be the junior Senator from, uh, wherever it is you’re from there, Ron, Ayn, Goldberg, whatever your name is. R2D2 survived being dumped in the fetid Swamps of Dagobah, sir! He can handle the honorable Speaker’s tears, and then he’ll even electrocute John with one of his cool little taser-like appendages when he’s done. Face it: John Boehner is a dead man if R2D2 comes to town.
John Boehner: I can’t argue with that. That’s just good logic there, Mitch. Beep boop blorp.
Senator Ted Cruz, Texas (2016 Presidential Hopeful): Hey guys! Can I play too? I got one! How about this: Me vs Hillary Clinton for the White House in 2016? Go!
Mitch McConnell: Oh come on, Ted. Really?
John Cornyn: Yeah, Ted. Way to kill that conversation dead.
Mitch McConnell: Once again, Ted, your Harvard cluelessness astounds me. Everybody knows that to make this game work, you’ve got to pick match-ups that can really happen! You know, like Gandalf vs Darth Vader. Or Smaug vs Optimus Prime. You can’t just make up something completely improbable like you . . . YOU! . . . vs Hillary for the White House. That’s not funny. That’s just dumb. It’s really not that hard being a Senator, Ted, if you just pay attention and put a little effort into it. Jeez.
John Boehner: Aw, guys, don’t be so hard on the kid. Come on over here, Ted. How about you make yourself useful and tell that cute little cigarette girl in the back to toss me a pack of Pall Malls and a kiss, then let’s head back up to the Speaker’s Snake Ranch, smoke a couple of cigars and figure out how to balance our aspirations. The keys to the Jaguar are on the end-table there. You can go warm it up for Old Uncle Boehner since it’s a nippy night out tonight. And be careful not to step on any hobos. There’s a good kid. You got a future.