Christmas in Iowa is different from Christmas in other places, as best evidenced by the local version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” transcribed below. If you start singing it early on Christmas morning (well, after everybody’s hangovers wear off, anyway), then you might just finish it by the time the Figgy Pudding (With Maytag Blue Cheese Crumbles) is done:

The Twelve Days of Iowa Christmas

On the first day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
A Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the second day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the third day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the fourth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the fifth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the sixth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the seventh day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the eighth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Eight rivers flooding, seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the ninth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Nine huge tornadoes, eight rivers flooding, seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the tenth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Ten terms of Terry, nine huge tornadoes, eight rivers flooding, seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the eleventh day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Eleven FOX New features, ten terms of Terry, nine huge tornadoes, eight rivers flooding, seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.

On the twelfth day of Iowa Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve hog confinements, eleven FOX New features, ten terms of Terry, nine huge tornadoes, eight rivers flooding, seven turbines turning, six YP’s drinking, five carbine slings!
Four Hawkeye t-shirts, three tenderloins, two lead-shot doves, and a Simon Estes Opera CD.