As the Nation gears up for its globally-admired quadrennial Presidential election process, the spotlight has turned toward Iowa and its inordinately influential “first out of the gate” Presidential Caucus. Of course, haters gotta hate, so there’s plenty of pundits out there at the Crazy Town Press and Courier (or similar rags) who will deny Iowa’s God-given right to bestow its potent blessings upon the most worthy of the competing candidates. Just in case you find yourself locked in an elevator with an Iowaphobe who fails to see the glorious logic and sensibility of this system, I offer the following ten inarguable answers to the question: “Why Iowa First?”

1. Because Iowa Looks Like America when you watch FOX News.
2. Because the weather would just be too damn hot and sticky in Alabama that day.
3. Because an “uncommitted” result in 1976 so presciently launched Jimmy Carter toward a spot on Mount Rushmore.
4. It’s the best way to fast track President Joni Ernst’s election, an important Biblical precursor to the Rapture.
5. Because Iowans were the only people in America willing to stand in line to listen to Rick Santorum.
6. Because Iowa guards the nation’s Strategic Bacon Reserve from invasion by hostile foreign powers, and should be rewarded for its vigilance.
7. Because it’s important for the President to be able to put a face on all of the Federal subsidies that Iowa collects, while complaining about Federal subsidies.
8. Because Iowans have clearly demonstrated superior political acuity and discernment each of the six times that they have elected Terry Branstad to be their governor.
9. Because America could probably use another Bush or Clinton presidency, maybe, and Iowans are pretty okay, sort of, at picking those, sometimes.
10. Because it would be hard and expensive to re-create another State-wide mass delusion of superior political intelligence.