WebDocs Health Report, June 22, 2007: “Coffee may contain an ingredient that protects the liver against alcoholic cirrhosis, a new study shows. The study indicates that among more than 125,000 people studied for up to 22 years, coffee drinkers were less likely to be diagnosed with alcoholic cirrhosis.”
Coffee Pirates (In Your Liver): Yarrr! Get ye back ye scurvy rotten cirrhosed liver cells! Yarrr!
Cheap Scotch (In Your Liver): Och aye, we’ll be needin’ to eat ye liver like a fookin’ haggis, yon bonny coffee pirates be damned!
Coffee Pirates (In Your Liver): Yarrr! Avast! Prepare ye to be boarded, ye cancerous cankers o’ bile and spleen! We’ll be eatin’ yer types fer lunch before yon hour is out! Yarrr!
Rene Harlin: Okay, guys, now here’s where we have a car chase scene around the gall bladder, and then some sword fighting on the duodenum. Annnnnnnnnnd . . . Action!
Coffee Pirates (In Your Liver): Vroooooom!!!! Vrooooooooommmmm!!! Skreeeeeeeee!!!! Vrooooommmmmmmmm!!!
Cheap Scotch (In Your Liver): Clash! Clank! Clankity clash! Slash! Epee! Saberize! Snick!
Your Duodenum: Aghhhhh! I am slain!
Rene Harlin: Great! Great! That’s a wrap!
Cheap Scotch (In Your Liver): Beggin’ ye pardon, Master Harlin, but if’n ye aren’t needin’ us nae more, we’ll be on our way up to the brains for to seein’ if we can’t sponge and addle ‘em a bit.
Coffee Pirates (In Your Liver): Yarrr! Victory! Yarrr! Now, we be thinkin’ its time to go tickle ye kidneys a bit. Yarrr!
Your Kidneys: Hehe! OMFG, like, I am so totally gonna piss myself laughing and stuff! OMG! LOL!
Your Brains: Welcome! Welcome, Cheap Scotch! Welcome!
Cheap Scotch (In Your Brains): Och aye, me laddie. Here’s what ye be wantin’ to do. Get ye on yon telephonin’ machine and call that wee lassie what slapped you last week. Be sure to let yon tears flow like whiskey when ye be talkin’ tae her. Nae, ne’er ye mind that it’s three o’ clock in the marnin’!! Yon wee lassie will be rejoicin’ to hear ye voice!!
Your Brains: I lurve you’s, Cheap Stottiches. You allas gib’s me the bests advices!!! I’lla go make that call right now, yes . . . I’MA LOVES YOU, BABY!!! I’MA LIVES FOREVERS WITH MY NEWSLY HEALFY LIVERS!!! THE SCOTTICHES SAYS SOES!!! Hello? Hellos? I musta gotsten disconnected. Bring me more Scottiches!!! Dass what I needs!!! Den I calls again!!!
Your Genitals: Damn, Brains. You’re never gonna shake the rust off us, are you? Whah? Whoh! No, not that way! Noooooo!!!!! Stooooooopppppp!!!!!
Your Brains: I’MA LOVES YOU, GENITILES!!! WISSA HEALFY LIVERS I’MA TAKE CARES ON YOU ALLAS NIGHTS LONG!!! ISNA WE BOOTIFULS?? STOTTICHES SAYS WE BOOTIFULS!!! TELLS US WE’S BOOTIFUL!!!!
Your Genitals: Ow! Careful! Ow! Stop! HEEEELP!!!
Cheap Scotch (In Your Brains): Och aye, laddies. Ye moral o’ yon story is: Do nae fook wi’ Cheap Scotch!! Cheap Scotch wins alla’ time!! Yon message are brought tae ye by Ye WebDocs Health Reports, and yon letters “C” and “S,” and by the number “80 Proof”. Ta!
J. ERIC SMITH 
I had heard that certain Hollywood types had been considering you as the screenwriter for the much-ballyhooed remake of Brigadoon. Guess they went in another direction, e’en thay ye’re a natchril f’r the Scutsmen’s tongue.
Christ, this is funny, JES.
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Even before I saw your comment, I knew we weren’t in Kansas anymore, Toto.
Enjoying the creative purging from the hard drive — keep it coming, good sir.
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Another old piece that probably couldn’t have gone up on the TU blog . . . there’s a scary amount of this sort of material sitting on my hard drive . . .
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