Rubbernecking at the Trainwreck of Journamalizm

My dictionary offers the following definitions of the word “news:”

1. a report of a recent event; intelligence; information.

2. the presentation of a report on recent or new  events in a newspaper  or other periodical or on radio or television.

3. such reports taken collectively; information reported.

4. a person, thing, or event considered as a choice subject for journalistic treatment; newsworthy  material.

5. newspaper.

Definition number five is pretty near and dear to me, as I’ve written numerous times before how much of a newspaper-lover I am — and how poorly I though that our daily newspaper, in both its print and online incarnations, served my old home community in Albany.

My distaste for that newspaper notwithstanding, there are still a couple of writers I like at the old newspaper’s hyper-hormonal blog portal, so I occasionally poke my head over there to catch up on their latest musings.

I’m often silently appalled by the non-news things that get placed on the front page there — but today they really out-did themselves, moving into a whole new realm of unbelievably idiotic traffic-mongering, shown below:

Bad newspaper? Or worst newspaper ever?

Three cannibalism-related stories on the front-page, one on top of the other? Wow. I don’t know where to start with unpacking the idiocy of this one, and once I do, I don’t really know how I would stop in less than 25,000 words. So I guess in summary, I’ll just note that in every definition of “news” I’ve ever encountered, the subjects in question generally involve things that are real.

Last time I checked, zombies did not qualify on that front, and hence, they should never be news.

But even if they did qualify, why in the world would I care how my boss would fare against them? Will having a strong zombie-fighting boss make me feel safer if a bath-salts-addled face-eater or a human-consuming Canadian blue-movie star happens to land in the office next to mine?

The mind reels . . . as do, I suspect, the hit counters. Wow, and wow again . . .