Iowans are famously clever people who spend the 11 months worth of horrible weather they experience each year sitting at their kitchen tables, staring into space, and thinking big thoughts about how to combine this with that to make something else altogether.
The fertile combination of creativity and craziness has blessed the world with a plethora of indispensable Iowa-birthed products, ideas and services, including the personal computer, the opinion poll, the trampoline, the screen door, the ethanol subsidy, buffered antacids, and the Eskimo Pie.
Lest you think that the wheels of innovation in Iowa have grown rusty, here are ten exciting emergent developments I expect to see, hear and experience in 2015 — if their creators don’t snap and start shooting up their kitchens before the business plans are finished:
- A wind-turbine powered factory that processes post-harvest corn stalks into pointed sticks to put food on.
- Gray’s Lake Casino Paddle Boats, with all proceeds going to build the state’s next crazy casino concept, and so on, and so on, and so on, scheme without end, amen.
- A BBQ and brisket smoker that mounts on the back of a soybean-powered pothole-filling and road-grading machine.
- Candidate Caucus Insurance, where candidates can buy policies that pay damages if Iowans miscount their caucus votes. Again.
- Maytag Blue Cheese Tostitos Scoops With LaQuercia Prosciutto Power Flavor Crystals.
- Winnebago Migrant Camper Vans, which are tiny one-room cells on wheels that farm owners can use to transport their unsuspecting laborers elsewhere when harvest season is over.
- The Federal Subsidy Voucher Exchange, where you can swap your old, unused wind turbine tax credits for rails-to-trails grants, wetland building permits, and more.
- The Ethanol Malt Liquor Law, which will require all bum wines and fortified brews to be made with 15% or more fermented corn products by volume.
- The Universal Horn, a brass instrument that plays only three notes, increasing the probability of the Hawkeye Pep Band being in tune from the current 5% to a working functional average of 25%.