Iowa New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

Iowans are nice, yes. Just ask them. They’ll tell you all about it, at length, then explain how Iowans are also modest, and don’t like people to notice them, even if they are the nicest people in the country. And the most modest. They’ve got lists to back it up, from magazines. And websites. Nice!

But even for the nicest, most modest Iowans, there’s always room for self-improvement, right? Right.

So here are some suggested resolutions that self-aware Iowans might adopt in 2015 to make our shared State an even nicer, and more modest place. In fact, if enough Iowans adopt them, we might even finish #1 on Forbes’ 2015 “You Won’t Believe Which States Really Stick to Their New Year’s Resolutions!” list, and that will give us something else to be modest about next year. Let’s do this!

Top Twelve Iowa New Year’s Resolutions for 2015

I will develop some perspective on the relative importance of the Cyclone-Hawkeye rivalry.

I will respect our elected officials by calling them “Senator Ernst” and “President Obama,” instead of “Joni” and “That Damned Muslim Socialist.”

I will greet my kissing cousins with only handshakes from now on. Even the cute ones. Especially the cute ones.

I will give money to real established charities meeting real community needs, and not to the self-promoting hipsters behind the latest half-baked arts project in town.

I will not wait in line for bad service at crappy restaurants just because they’re new. Even if everyone else is doing it. Even if “Juice” tells me to.

I will not base all of my political beliefs on teaser commercials for “Fox & Friends” that air during football games, no matter how pretty the women in the commercials are.

I will not go to the hardware store and buy something I don’t need just to get some free popcorn.

I will not wear Ugg Boots with short shorts to the Mall, even if both are cute.

I already know that I don’t like Iowa wine, so I will not take numerous free samples of it every time I go to the Farmers Market.

I will replace the bald tires on my car before I get stuck on an exit ramp in half-an-inch of snow, causing a miles-long traffic stoppage on I-235 West during rush hour. Again.

I will stop quoting pseudo-scientific, click-bait Forbes or USA Today Top Ten Lists to justify why I live in Iowa.

I will not feel compelled to support things I don’t actually like, just because they come from Iowa. Sorry, Slipknot.

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