Christmas is almost upon us, and in Iowa, that means three things: driving really slowly through other  people’s neighborhoods to gawk at their lights, going to church (more than once, if possible), and drinking during the day. If you’ve got the in-laws and cousins descending upon you from Dunkerton, Ollie, Tingley, or Toeterville, here are some Iowa Cocktails you might want to try out. Not for the guests, mind you. They can bring their own beer. This is for you. Fortitude!

The Tickly Branstache

Three ounces of Old Grand Dad Bourbon
Two ounces of buttermilk
Two tablespoons of dark corn syrup
Black Pepper

Mix liquid ingredients and shake well for two minutes. Pour into an old mason jar. Garnish with a black pepper mustache. Govern.

Joni’s Hogballs

Two ounces of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey
One ounce of sour mix
Three drops of hot sauce
Two maraschino cherries
Grenadine

Vigorously stir the Fireball, sour mix and hot sauce together, and pour into a brandy snifter. Float two (no more, no less) maraschino cherries in the drink. Garnish with grenadine blood droplets.

DuPont-Pioneer Hi-Life

12 ounce can of Miller High Life
Two ounces of gold tequila
Two teaspoons of agave nectar
Baby corn

Pour the Miller High Life into a lab beaker, and gently stir in the tequila and agave nectar. Garnish with baby ears of genetically modified corn.

The Des Moines Four-Way Stop Sign

One ounce Jim Beam Bourbon
One ounce Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
One ounce Johnny Walker Black Label Scotch Whiskey
One ounce Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey

Pour all ingredients into an old Dahl’s jelly jar and stir with your finger. Sip. Wave at everyone else in the room. No one is allowed to move. Ever.

The Hawkeye Three-Pointer

One ounce Chartreuse Yellow Liqueur
One ounce Romana Black Sambuca

Mix the yellow and the black in a random, chaotic fashion. Try to pour it in from outside, but miss the glass. Repeat.