Daytime Drinking in Iowa

If you’re a new Iowa captive, it won’t take you long to notice one of the State’s more surprising cultural traits: people really like to drink during the daytime here. And we’re not just talking about night-shift workers at the tire factory, or farmers whose work days begin at 4am, or overnight hospital orderlies. We’re talking regular old, everyday, worker bee Iowans, and their wives, and their friends, and their neighbors — all of whom are likely to found some time during the day, six days a week (Iowans drink at home during the day on Sundays) at their local neighborhood bar, which they call a “tap.” (Hint for fitting in with the natives: when you order a draught beer at your local tap, pronounce it “draw” not “draft.” Yes, we know it’s wrong, but that’s what they say, really). Occasionally, you might find yourself in a social situation where some prudish stick-in-the-mud might question your Iowan wannabe daytime drinking habits, so here are some easy-to-remember excuses that will allow you to drink like a native at any time of the day, free from consequence or recrimination:

“They wouldn’t open the bars at 10 AM if they didn’t want us to drink during the day, right?”

“Is it daytime? I forgot to change my watch when we went to Daylight Savings Time.”

“I am going for a bike ride later this afternoon, so I really need the carbs.”

“All of these people at Farmer’s Market made me anxious. It was a little less crowded in the bar.”

“The dog got hot while I was walking him, so I stopped in the bar to get him some water.”

“Those night shift workers are really America’s heroes. Let’s go show them our appreciation!”

“I was craving spicy cocktail pretzels, but you have to buy something to get a free bowl.”

“The guys who put men on the moon had three martinis for lunch every day. I only had two.”

“My teeth felt greasy from that corn dog, and water doesn’t cut through grease.”

“This Iowa wine is way too sweet to drink with dinner, so we’d better have it now instead.”

“I needed to try all of the free samples to decide which one to buy, but then I didn’t like any of them.”

“They grow lots of hops in Iowa, so I wanted to support our hard-working local family farmers.”

“We’ve only got two hours before kickoff (or tip off), so we better finish all of this beer now before it gets warm.”

“My truck was low on gas so I bought this case of beer at Dahl’s just for fuel saver points.”

“We live in Iowa, for God’s sake. Look outside. See? Isn’t that enough of an excuse? I thought so. Pull up a chair . . .”

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