‘Tis it the season to be a jolly mass consumer? If you are stumped at how to please the nice Iowans on your list, here are twelve great shopping ideas, guaranteed to please on Christmas morning:

Tickle Me Grassley: Can you make Chuck laugh by tickling his belly? Probably not, but keep trying!

Metro Des Moines Street Converter GPS: Automatically updates West Des Moines street numbers to Real Des Moines numbers.

“100 Uses for Iowa Wine” (Book): Clean battery terminals, remove blood stains, loosen bolts and more!

Wooly Terry: Use metal filings and magnets to make funny facial hair, but only on the top lip!

Iowa E-Z Bacon Oven: Make your own bacon, corndogs, cavatelli, and funnel cakes, with a lightbulb.

Case of 12-Gauge Lead Shotgun Cartridges: Limited! Buy now, before Obama makes you hunt with steel shot!

Iowa State Fair Celebrity Package: Includes private photo shoot with Butter Cow and Big Boar.

Rock’em Sock’em Republicans: Fight your own 2016 caucus. Can Rand make Ted’s head pop off?

The Nonprofit Game of LIFE: Who can drive their bad new idea to a state appropriation the quickest?

G.I. Joni Tea Party Set: Complete tea set for four, plus rifle, scalpel, and plane ticket to D.C.

Dr. Monsanto Chemistry Set: Genetically engineer your own pets, snacks, and siblings!

Iowa State Government Action Play Set: Sorry, no black, rainbow, or brown pieces available this season.