Iowa Wine Report

Coastal snobs might be surprised to learn that Iowa has a robust wine-making industry, though if you consider the prevalence of arable land, the God-awful France-like climate, and the popularity of daytime drinking in the Hawkeye State, this should really not be a shocker. At bottom line: if you can ferment it and drink it for fun, then they make it in Iowa. Here are some popular homegrown selections (with tasting and pairing notes) to help new captives swig like the Iowa natives. Bottoms up!

Beaujoni Ernst Nouveau ’14: Very fruity, but without substance; hints of pork balls, saltpeter, and fox urine. 

J. Deere Tractor Cabernet ’10: Aged in cash-lined casks, distinctive green hue, strong diesel and corn husk notes.

Turbine Carnage White ’14: Grapes sourced from wind farm country; opens with Canada goose, good bald eagle finish.

Crazy Steve’s King Zing ’13: Strong lithium tang with finish of methamphetamine; does not pair well with Mexican food.

K Shiraz Shiraz ’14: Kum n’ Go’s house red; pairs well with Slim Jims and Doritos, also a great engine coolant in a pinch.

Branstacho Terrybranillo ’11: Always a favorite! Strong mouth-hair feel, hint of weasel musk, pink slime finish.

Muscatine Muscatel ’12: A fruit bomb from Mississippi River Valley, hint of catfish, bright cadmium and mercury aftertaste.

Templeton Perignon ’24: Aged for 80 years in an 18-karat gold cask, hints of unicorn tears and gangster sweat, strong fraudulent finish.

Two-Buck Chuck Grassley ’14: Sour grapes from all 99 Iowa counties, aged for six terms in a dark and smoky room.

Chateau DuPont-Pioneer ’10: Explosive all-GMO red sequenced from craft blended soy and hamster genomes; sudden breast growth after tasting a bonus!

DSM Vasserverks Claret ’12: Made from runoff of other upstream terroir; hint of phosphorus, great trihalomethane close.

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