Iowa Wine Report

Coastal snobs might be surprised to learn that Iowa has a robust wine-making industry, though if you consider the prevalence of arable land, the God-awful France-like climate, and the popularity of daytime drinking in the Hawkeye State, this should really not be a shocker. At bottom line: if you can ferment it and drink it for fun, then they make it in Iowa, because getting drunk in the Hawkeye State is not just a hobby, it’s an art form. Here are some popular homegrown wine selections (with tasting and pairing notes) to help new captives swig like the Iowa natives. Bottoms up!

Beaujoni Ernst Nouveau ’14: Very fruity, but without substance; hints of pork balls, saltpeter, and fox urine. 

J. Deere Tractor Cabernet ’10: Aged in cash-lined casks, distinctive green hue, strong diesel and corn husk notes.

Turbine Carnage White ’14: Grapes sourced from wind farm country; opens with Canada goose, good bald eagle finish.

Crazy Steve’s King Zing ’13: Strong lithium tang with finish of methamphetamine; does not pair well with Mexican food.

K Shiraz Shiraz ’14: Kum n’ Go’s house red; pairs well with Slim Jims and Doritos, also a great engine coolant in a pinch.

Branstacho Terrybranillo ’11: Always a favorite! Strong mouth-hair feel, hint of weasel musk, pink slime finish.

Muscatine Muscatel ’12: A fruit bomb from Mississippi River Valley, hint of catfish, bright cadmium and mercury aftertaste.

Templeton Perignon ’24: Aged for 80 years in an 18-karat gold cask, hints of unicorn tears and gangster sweat, strong fraudulent finish.

Two-Buck Chuck Grassley ’14: Sour grapes from all 99 Iowa counties, aged for six terms in a dark and smoky room.

Chateau DuPont-Pioneer ’10: Explosive all-GMO red sequenced from craft blended soy and hamster genomes; sudden breast growth after tasting a bonus!

DSM Vasserverks Claret ’12: Made from runoff of other upstream terroir; hint of phosphorus, great trihalomethane close.

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