Iowa Pick-Up Lines

Being a new captive in Iowa can be hard for your social life, especially if you live in a place like Crab Town, or Correctionville, or Diagonal, or Morton’s Mill, or Des Moines. But since we all have an obligation to create future generations of Iowans to pay for our social security, here are some sure-fire pick-up lines that will have you swinging like the King of Osterdock in no time at all:

“Hey baby . . . how’d you like to open up my hog confinement?”

“Yep, that sure is a pistol in my pocket. I got one in my truck, too. And two more under my bed.”

“It’s not against the law if we’re cousins, once removed, you know.”

“Want to take a ride from Beaver Tap to Cumming Tap today.”

“House of Large Sizes is my favorite band. And also my favorite underwear store.”

“DuPont-Pioneer has a patent on my genetically modified organ . . . ism.”

“How about you and I take a ride to Sac City to check out the giant ball?”

“Hey pretty lady, care for a Branstache ride after the Fair?”

“So, did you get that thing at Beaver Mowers? Because I work at Beaver Cleaners.”

“Can I raucous your caucus, honey?”

“Gestation crates are legal where I come from, you know.”

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