Iowans are very friendly, but the weather and the geography here keep them from gathering in large public venues very often. This can cause problems when they are forced to congregate in a confined space, like a shopping mall at Christmas time, or the Farmers Market in Des Moines, because they are often unsure how to act. Here are some tips to help native and captive Iowans alike navigate this treacherous time of the year:

• Do not ride escalators side by side, then stop to gawk as soon as you step off the moving stairs. This will cause a pile-up.
• Walk in straight lines, and not in random serpentine patterns, suddenly changing course, with your arms out. Traffic will flow smoothly this way.
• To look at something shiny, step to the side instead of just stopping suddenly in the aisle, raising both arms, and shouting “Wow!”
• No one else likes your children as much as you do. Especially when they act like that. Just leave them in the car, with a window cracked.
• While testing out the feel of a new hunting rifle, try to avoid pointing it at other shoppers.
• No matter what, your truck is not nice enough to park across three spots, one of them handicapped.
• This is probably a bad time to tell the Chick-Fil-A clerk about your medical history and recent test results, no matter how nice he is.