- When a woman says “It’s nice to be be in a relationship with you,” do not reply “What relationship?”
- If you don’t know what something on your plate is, don’t pop a whole big pile of it into your mouth without sampling it first. Especially if it is wasabi.
- It is a bad idea to shoot glass bottles with a slingshot. Even more so if you do it in someone’s bedroom.
- If you get into a confrontation with a college quarterback, his offensive line will spring to his rescue, even in a crowded bar.
- It is a bad idea to attack a giant fire ant mound with a bullwhip.
- Playing basketball and running are not, in fact, cures for plantar fasciitis. Similarly, pepperoni and cheese do not cure ulcers.
- Do not enter into a communal living arrangement if you find yourself thinking beforehand “It’s only a year . . . how bad could it be?”
- A Pontiac Fiero is really not a very good winter car. Nor is it a very good summer car, despite its awesome stereo system.
- If you are going to drink under a bridge, it’s best to not wear light colored clothing.
- Never tease a semi-wild polydactyl cat when it has a clean shot at your eyeballs.
What about you?
J. ERIC SMITH 
The bars of a cage at the zoo will not protect you from getting pissed on by a tiger.
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On the upside though, LB, I’m pretty sure that bullets and spears will bounce off of you now . . .
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I have to concur with you on items 2, 8 and 10 with some modifications:
2. It wasn’t a giant mound of wasabi, but it was enough.
8. It was a Gremlin.
10. She wasn’t a polydactyl cat, but she was semi-wild and she grazed the skin just under my right eye.
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Re: #4: If you are an undersized lacrosse goalie, telling the offensive tackle ripping down the ceiling at the bar that he is dumber than he is big is not likely to end well for you.
Asking the cop who stopped you for speeding on the Rip Van Winkle Bridge “Are you SURE you even have jurisdiction here?” will not result in a verbal warning.
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You do realize that each of these deserves its own blog post, right?
😉
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True true true . . . . and some of them even deserve their own books . . . . (see: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Eponymous/J-Eric-Smith/e/9780595175468/?itm=1)
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11) Tango Screwdiver and Slim Jims do not go well together.
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