Neck Size Matters

Well-Meaning Thickneck: Here’s a little tip for you up-and-coming junior high school kids: you’ll never get to be Prom King without a thick neck. It’s just the rules. Pencil neck guys get to work the lights and put the CD’s in and stuff at the prom, unseen, unheard, unappreciated, untouchable. Thicknecks, on the other hand, we get to own the place. Watch me flex this thing . . . ngggggggghhhhnnnnn . . . yeah, that’s one thick neck, alright! So you youngsters hit the gym, and in four years, it’ll be all “Bring on the Prom Queens, Yo!” I got your backs, kids. That’s because I’m so well-meaning.

Pencilneck AV Squad Guy: Well, yeah, you may be big now, Mister Well-Meaning Thickneck, but if you watch your John Hughes’ movies, you know that in the end the girls always come back to us when they realize that we are nice to them and respect them for who they are. We’re better off spending our time honing our sensitivity than we are bulking up our traps.

Guy Who Blocks The Flow: Wait a minute . . . Duckie didn’t get the girl! He did get some girls, but Molly Ringworm wanted to have the rich guy ending, right?

Molly Ringworm: That’s right.

Well-Meaning Thickneck: Of course Duckie didn’t get the girl. Duh. Would you go out with Duckie if you were a girl? A girl who had options, I mean? Dude, the thing about ending up with the friendly losers only pertains to the marginal smart grrrls that wanna talk and have feelings and stuff. I’m not talking about them. The Hot Mamasitas always stay with the Thicknecks. That’s just the rules. We will never lack for the big boobies. Some of them will even be real. Don’t make me put you in a locker and leave you there. Again.

Guy Who Esplains Thins: Duckie got the girl in the original John Hughes ending. It was Molly Ringworm who insisted on the Thickneck ending. So, therefore, John Hughes must have been a pencilneck.

Molly Ringworm: That’s right.

Well-Meaning Thickneck: Okay, now I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m all down with being cool to nerds and stuff, but if you confuse me then I’m going to have to kick your ass just on principle so I don’t look dumb.

Pencilneck AV Squad Guy: Just do a kegstand, Mister Thickneck. That’ll clear everything up.

Well-Meaning Thickneck (Ten Years Later): Remember that touchdown I scored against West Bumbledump High our junior year? Man, that was the best ever! And then we went out and got drunk by the lake. Best day of my life. Uh, would you like fries with that, sir?

Guy Who Esplains Thins: Don’t kid yourselves, jealous losers. In reality, Well-Meaning Thickneck works in a cake job at Molly Ringworm’s dad’s company, and is earning $150,000 a year forwarding porn videos, gunning shots of Jack on his lunch break, and golfing when it’s nice out. There’s no happy ending for the Pencilneck AV Squad Guy, on the other hand.

Well-Meaning Thickneck: That’s right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a conference call with Chairman Long Duk Dong to take. We’re splitting stock shares this quarter. Money in the bank.

Chairman Long Duk Dong: That’s what happening, hot stuff.

Pencilneck AV Squad Guy (Ten Years Later): Dude, I like totally rocked out on World of Warcraft last night! Check out the screen caps I put up on my Facebook page. Wait, hang on . . . I got a tech support call I got to take.

Molly Ringworm: Hello? Hello? I think I have a virus. In my computer I mean. Not in me. I had a shot for that. But, like, anyway, can you just fix it from India or wherever you are while I go to the Country Club with Well-Meaning Thickneck? We’re meeting Richie and Rachel Muffinstuffer for ’80s night! I’ve got the best pink dress ever! It’s Givenchy! Um, wait a minute . . . here, let me let you talk to the maid. You guys can talk about computers and feelings and stuff. Thanks, darling! Thanks!

Pencilneck AV Squad Guy (Ten Years Later): Sigh . . . she called me “darling!” I still have a chance!

The Maid: ¿Hola? Quisiera hablar con usted sobre sensaciones y computadoras, por favor. ¿Usted tiene un cuello grueso?

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