Mom Shakes: Wake up, Louie . . . you’re going to be late . . .
Little Louie Shakes: mumble mumble Five more minutes mumble .
Mom Shakes: No, it’s 9 AM already! You’ve got to get up! Darn it, Louie, you’re going to miss the bus, and there’s no way Dad or I can drive you to school today!
Little Louie Shakes: Shut up, Mom! I hate you! Go away!
Mom Shakes: Don’t you talk to me like that, young man! Your father and I bust our butts to put food on the table and a roof over your head and this is how you treat us? Well, you’d better think again, mister. The gravy train stops today. If you can’t get yourself to school and get good grades then you can just leave now, get a low paying job and waste the rest of your life posting on dirty internet message boards. Is that what you want?
Little Louie Shakes: I hate you all! Shut up! I am staying home today and listening to Black Sabbath records.
Dad Shakes (bursting through the door and unhooking his belt): WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! [thrash!] [whip!] [pummel!]
Little Louie Shakes: Dad! No! I said I am getting up now to catch the bus and go to school to take math tests!! Stop!! Auuggghhh!!!
Playground Bully (later that same day): Hey dork! [shove!] Nice math books . . . in the mud! Haw haw haw!
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien (Playing the Role of Guy Who Blocks The Flow): Oh, no. Nuh uh uh. This has to stop now. This is making me re-live my childhood, and it hurts. Stop it! Stop it now! There’s no happy ending to this story . . .
Louie Shakes (in 2010): Sure there is, Mister O’Brien. I swear to God that Playground Bully is now making sub-par home fries at Weezie’s Skillet Farms in Hoboskill, way out in Bumbledump County, while I live the good life of a toothless, meth-addicted, hepatitis-riddled, homeless person in Albany. That’ll learn him for messin’ up my books in ninth grade!
Playground Bully (in 2010): Would you like fries with your hamburger and shake, Mister Shakes?
Louie Shakes (in 2010): See, Mister O’Brien? And, uh, nah brah, no fries. I’d like some rock with that instead. You gonna hook me up, or what?
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: You’re the exception then, Louie. Once you’ve been a victim of bullies and domestic violence, then you’re always a victim as I see it. That type can smell the fear and weakness on you. It brings out the worst in them . . .
Lord MacCormack: Piffle, tosh and bumbledump, will you shut the hell up, O’Brien! You sicken me with your weakness and fear! Besides, I didn’t have to go through any of that stuff. I was home schooled. In home schooling, your parents are in charge of the traumatizing.
Viscount Mond: Then you know that the only thing better than beating up dorks at school is beating up home schooled kids in their own front yards.
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: But the problem with home schooling is that you then have to be bullied in college, instead of getting it over with in junior high school.
Lord MacCormack: Not if you go to home college.
Viscount Mond: What do you mean by “getting it over with,” O’Brien? [shove!] Nice face, dooder . . . under my boot! Haw haw haw!
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: Mmmgggppphhff!! Grrffff!!! Mmmmbbbpppp!!!
Viscount Mond: Who gets bullied in college, anyway? You just show up to class and leave, don’t even have to talk to anyone. Much different than grade school.
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: I’m guessing your college didn’t have a football team, did it, Mond?
Lord MacCormack: O’Brien’s right, dorks can certainly get bullied in college. Unless they go to dork college.
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: I went to dork college. I was surrounded by dorks. Computer science programs have a way of attracting them. But it didn’t change anything. You would think that the few jocks who stumbled in would be kissing dork butts so they could get their work done, but no, they hunted me down and shoved my $230 college textbooks into the mud just as they did in junior high school. Oh, the horror! Oh, the pain!
Lord MacCormack: Those must have been scholarship jocks. They have assistants to kiss dork butts for them to get their work done, which gives them more time for the shoving of the books and the tormenting of the weak and fearful and whatnot. At least when you’ve got jocks in the classroom, you know that you’ve picked your courses wisely, and will definitely be getting a good grade there.
Edward Sir Ellington O’Brien: Wrong again. Professors have to show that they aren’t giving all A’s. So guess who gets the D’s to balance things out? Not the starting quarterback, I assure you. Nor the cheerleaders.
(Meanwhile, in a corner cubicle at the nearby public library) The Shower Drain Elves: Alright, Louie Shakes! We’ve got you surrounded! Come out peacefully or we are coming in after you. There’s a sick kid in Teaneck, New Jersey who needs a Christmas stocking and you’re not standing in our way! Chop chop!
Louie Shakes (in 2010): mumble mumble five more minutes mumble . . .
The Shower Drain Elves: No, it’s 10 AM already! You’ve got to get up! Dammit, Louie, you’re going to miss the Hoveround, and there’s no way we’re gonna be able to get this Christmas stocking to little Johnnie F in Teaneck if that happens!
Louie Shakes (in 2010): Shut up, all of you! I hate you! Go away!
The Shower Drain Elves: Don’t you talk to us like that, old man! The Parking Lot Monkeys and us bust our butts to put newspaper under your head and leftover hamburgers and milkshakes in the dumpster, and this is how you treat us? Well, you’d better think again, mister. The hamburger and milk shake train stops today! If you can’t get yourself to the parking lot behind the corner store and score the good rock, then you can just stay here in the library and waste the rest of your life posting on dirty internet message boards. Is that what you want?
Louie Shakes (in 2010): You know what I want? All I want out of life is a hamburger in a milkshake! Not a hamburger and a milkshake. Is that too much to ask? Why is The LORD so cruel to me?
The LORD (bursting through the door and unhooking his belt): WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! [thrash!] [whip!] [pummel!]
The Archangel McGabriel: Sorry, Louie, some things are beyond even The LORD’s power. Hamburgers and milkshakes must remain separate, world without end, amen. Now, would you like some fries with that?
Louie Shakes (in 2010): Nah brah, no fries. I’d like some rock with that, instead. You gonna hook me up, or what?
Ronald McChronic: I would hook you up indeed, yo, but that fat Mayor McCheese and his cronies done locked up the Hamburglar again! What’s a clown to do, Louie Shakes? What’s a clown to do?
The Shower Drain Elves (in 2010): Robble robble. Robble. Robble robble.