One Day in Cubic Hell

9:02 AM: the woman in the next cubicle had garlic for breakfast again and the whole office stinks already. i have picked a bad day to run out of febreze.

9:19 AM: she is complaining because there are cookies and chips left over from a meeting last night in the conference room and she is trying to be good on her diet so she wants people to eat the leftovers now so they don’t tempt her. but she doesn’t really want them to. in an hour she will be in there snuffling around like a truffle hunting pig without a choke collar. then this afternoon we will have to listen to her whine about how she feels puffy because of her wheat allergy.

10:12 AM: she’s over there with her dream dictionary now talking to a friend loudly about talismans and archetypes.

10:19 AM: she has concluded that her dream is “the goddess” telling her to trust in her inner strength and beauty. i hear them hugging each other over there. hopefully tomorrow the goddess tells her to stop eating so much garlic.

10:37 AM: there she goes, off to the conference room.

10:39 AM: and here she’s come back, with a little bundle of snacks wrapped up in a napkin. she’s whistling to herself.

11:17 AM: while she’s in the ladies room, i creep over and rub the ham from my sandwich on her chai mug, because she says the smell of meat makes her sick. heh heh heh. i throw the ham away because the smell of chai actually does make me sick.

11:28 AM: she is drinking her chai. she does not notice the ham. victory for me! i am the king!

11:58 AM: the boss walks by during the 10 minute period when she seems to actually be working. why does it always happen that way? the problem is that the boss is in another part of the building so he doesn’t smell and hear what us cubic hell dwellers live with all the time.

12:16 PM: if something doesn’t change soon i think there is going to be a rebellion here because all of the other obnoxious, holistic people from other parts of the company keep stopping by all day to shoot the breeze with her and commiserate about their irritable bowels and moon cycles. her desk is time-waste central. they all just sit over there and talk, and laugh, and share stories about their families and pets and friends. yuck.

1:28 PM: she has just returned from old country buffet with a bunch of her cronies. she is feeling puffy and wonders if she accidentally ate some bleached wheat. she hopes she doesn’t have a reaction. i want to yell “of course you feel puffy, because you just went and ate at an all-you-can-eat trough!” but i don’t.

1:37 PM: the stench of creamy garlic dressing wafts through our cubicles. i ran out by myself to grab some febreze over lunch. i spray it into the fabric of my cubicle walls and sit in a private zone of freshness.

2:19 PM: am i crazy, or is there something not right about women who think it’s okay to talk about their periods in public because the “moon cycle” is a natural part of life? so is taking a dump, but we don’t talk about that in public. oh wait. yes, she does. never mind.

3:07 PM: she is telling one of her sales rep pals that spiralina (?) has more nutrients and healthy qualities than any other food. it is some kind of algae. it is supposed to suppress appetite. ooo, i can hear hugging over there again. why are those kinds of people so touchy feely? i hate it when people touch me.

3:37 PM: the goddess has told her that her cat needs to be a vegetarian! this woman is forcing her food preferences on her poor cat! what kind of goddess makes cats hunt for tofu???

3:48 PM: she says she gives her cat some supplement that supposedly gives it the extra vitamins it needs. she goes on and on about how cute he is eating olives out of the jar, while showing pictures to the mail clerk. i’m thinking the cat’s probably starving, and the salt in the olives reminds him of blood.

4:17 PM: she’s over there talking to someone about “aromatherapy” explaining that if they burn lang-lang (?) and bergamo (?) and other stuff i didn’t catch it will unlock their spirit energy or something. they’re going to go to the mall tonight to buy some of these things. all this is being explained in the middle of a garlic vapor cloud. the only aromatherapy i need is febreze.

4:29 PM: and she’s off. until tomorrow. she leaves with her posse, and their laughs echo in my ear as they finally hit the elevator and are out of my sight. i am relieved for a few seconds, and then i begin to dread tomorrow. what did i do to deserve this?

Guy Who Blocks The Flow: Wouldn’t it be funny if she were complaining to all of her friends, right now, about the sullen weirdo who sits at his computer all day in the cubicle next to her, and who has all sorts of stupid sensitive nose traumas? “He hates garlic! I mean, who in their right mind hates garlic? It’s so good for you!” But, hey, that’s okay, you can go home now and talk about her with all of your own friends, right? Right? Oh, uh . . .  wait. Sorry. Never mind. Have a nice evening anyway.

5 thoughts on “One Day in Cubic Hell

  1. Pingback: Indie Albany « Goodenough.

  2. God, it’s good to be retired!

    And, yep, she’s probably yakking with her friends about that sourpuss in the cubicle next to her.

    However, for starving her kitty, she should be charged with animal cruelty. Cats are not vegan! You’re a better person than I am. I’d have made a big show of visibly recoiling at that one and asking pointedly, you’re doing what to your cat! You do realize they’re natural predators, don’t you?


  3. I too work in a cube… some one around me eats maple flavored oatmeal every morning… the smell makes me want to barf!! Febreze is a great idea, maybe I’ll get some.


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