Trilobites are extinct. Uriah Heep should be extinct, but isn’t. The Oort Cloud stands poised to rain comets down upon us all, should we require another extinction event. Trilobites ranged in size from 1 mm to 720 mm. Their use of the metric system contributed to their extinction. Uriah Heep is 340 inches long, when laid in a row, head to feet. They are English, but have learned to measure things in proper American units. This is the key to their longevity. The Oort Cloud is bigger than Kirstie Alley, a rhino, and the Notorious B.I.G. combined.

What would happen if you pitted trilobites against Uriah Heep? If we’re talking about the Ordovician Era, then trilobites would kick Uriah Heep’s ass, just based on their sheer numbers and tenacity, and on the fact that Uriah Heep would have barely evolved a notochord at that point, much less a proper spine. But if we’re pitting them against each other in the Cenozoic, Heep would take trilobites hands down, in large part because Heep’s prehensile thumbs would allow them to easily pick apart the segmented bodies of the extinct arthropods, and then dip their innards into cocktail sauce, before happily popping them handily into their toothy feeding holes. But the Oort Cloud makes such points moot. All it takes is a quick rain of comets and, hey presto, we and all of our thumbs and shells are next year’s Pachycephalosaurus. Moo!!!

Trilobites generally had two schizochroal eyes made of mineral calcite. Uriah Heep generally has ten single-lens eyes made of jelly and gristle. The Oort Cloud’s eyes are metaphorical: it watches the inner solar system, patiently, waiting to fall upon us when we’re most distracted by things bubbling out of our internet pipes. OMFG! What was that!?!?!?!? Oh, phew. False alarm.

Trilobites evolved from within the Ediacaran Fauna and thrived between the Cambrian and the Permian Eras. Then they ceased to be. Uriah Heep evolved from Toe Fat and The Gods and thrived between the Beatles and the U2 Eras. Then they continued. The Oort Cloud evolved from icy matter blown to the furthest reaches of the Solar System during our Sun’s infancy, where it waits, patiently, to rain down destruction upon all the little rocky planets in our neighborhood. Uriah Heep, however, will still live on.

Or, alternatively, for those of you who don’t buy Mister Darwin’s Fairie Tale: The LORD put trilobite fossils in the ground to tempt and test us. The LORD does not approve of Uriah Heep because they do not offer Christ-centered concepts within their artistic expressions. The LORD refers to the Oort Cloud as “Wormwood”.